Famous Funny Monologues for Men 20
10 Best Contemporary Comedy Monologues For Men From Plays
i. THE ODD COUPLE
A monologue from the play by Neil Simon
Act 3
Oscar
(talking to Felix) I'll tell you exactly what it is. It'due south the cooking, cleaning and crying…. It'southward the talking in your slumber, information technology's the moose calls that open your ears at two o'clock in the morning time….
I tin't take it anymore, Felix. I'm crackin'up. Everything y'all do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me….
You lot leave me piddling notes on my pillow. I told you a hundred times, I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of Corn Flakes. F.U."….
Information technology took me three hours to figure out that F.U. was Felix Unger…. Information technology'due south not your fault, Felix. It'southward a rotten combination. That'southward only the frame.
The movie I haven't even painted withal…. I got a typewritten listing in my office of the "Ten Most Aggravating Things You lot Do That Drive Me Berserk"….
But last night was the topper. Oh, that was the topper. Oh, that was the everloving lulu of all times.
Skilful. Because now I'm going to tell you off… For six months I lived solitary in this flat. All alone in eight rooms… I was dejected, despondent and disgusted…
So you moved in. My dearest and closest friend… And after iii weeks of shut, personal contact—I am nigh to accept a nervous breakdown!…
Practise me a favor. Move into the kitchen. Live with your pots, your pans, your ladle, and your meat thermometer…
When you want to come out, ring a bell and I'll see the bedroom. I'yard asking yous nicely, Felix… As a friend… Stay out of my way or let me go in ane shot. You option it.
Head, tum, or kidneys… It'south no use running, Felix. At that place's only eight rooms and I know the short cuts. It's over, Felix.
The whole marriage. We're getting an annulment! Don't you lot understand? I don't want to live with you anymore.I want you lot to pack your things, necktie it up with your Saran Wrap and become out of here!
Read the play here
Related: The Odd Couple (Oscar 2)
2. MOJO
A monologue from the play by Jez Butterworth
Human activity 2, Scene 2
Baby
….I was virtually nine, bit younger, and my dad tells me we're driving to the state for the day. He's got this half share in this caff at the fourth dimension, and information technology was doing really badly.
In that location was a war on. And then he was ever really decorated working solar day and dark, so like, this was totally out of the bluish.
And so I got in his van with him, and we drive off and I notice that in the front end of the cab at that place's this bag of big sharp knives. And a saw and a large meat cleaver.
And I idea 'This is it. He's going to kill me. He's going to take me off and kill me once and for all.' And I saturday there in silence all the style to Wales and I knew that 24-hour interval I was nearly to die.
Then we drive till it goes dark, and Dad pulls the van into this field. And nosotros sit at that place in silence.
And there'due south all these cows in the field, watching usa. And of a sudden Dad slams his foot down and we ram this f***ing great cow clean over the top of the van.
And information technology tears off the bonnet and makes a great paring in the top, simply it was expressionless all right. See we'd gone all the manner to Wales to rustle us a cow. For the caff.
Now a dead cow weighs half a ton. So you've got to cut information technology up there so. And I was so relieved I had tears in my optics.
And we hacked that cow to pieces, sawing, chopping, ripping. With all the other cows standing around in the night, watching.
And so when nosotros'd finished, we got back in the cab and collection dorsum to town. Covered in claret.
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3. DONTRELL, WHO KISSED THE Body of water
A monologue from the play by Nathan Alan Davis
Robby
Heed, people gonna practice what they do. 'Specially your blood brother. You were prolly too young to remember this. I was five. So D was four.
And we're playin' Ability Rangers. Nosotros've created this epic wild-animal gladiator battle-type scenario, and it'due south getting kind of intense—so we're on a pause.
And nosotros're knockin' dorsum some KoolAids and whatnot, and allasudden he leans over all secretive and he's like "I'yard going to the zoo tomorrow."
And I'g thinkin'—cool. We goin' to the zoo tomorrow —'cause you know how I do: I don't like to miss events. So I clear my schedule for the next mean solar day.
And when I come over here in the morning your mom answers the door and she calls for D, and he doesn't come. And I say, "He's not still sleeping is he?
We gotta become to the zoo." And your mom looks at me like "zoo?" And I walk with her back to D'due south room and that little baller has bounced. I'm sayin' like Kunta Kinte bounced. Forreal.
Got up all early, put some miles behind him before the sun came upwardly, this kid was not playin'. And he was actually going the right management, too, is the crazy thing.
'Cause when the cops finally find him he's like on the r oute . But I but recall waiting … correct here. Lookin' at the door. Terrified.
'Crusade, to me at the time, the dangerous thing about going to the zoo without a grownup was 1 of the animals would swallow you.
So I've got these visions of D similar, continuing at the snack store tryna buy a five dollar hotdog and then a bear tackles him and it's over, and I don't have a all-time friend anymore, you lot know?
And as far every bit my five-twelvemonth-old brain is concerned the probability of that happening is like 95% so I'grand basically in mourning—and so the door opens and it'south your mom and she's got D in her artillery and he's lookin' straight up pissed.
He'due south lookin' grown man angry. 'Crusade he wasn't finished with his business. Knowhatimsayin', and your mom is just crying and crying 'cause, y'all know she thought she had lost her baby …
And the only thing I could think was: Dontrell's invincible. He wrestled the conduct and he won. And he doesn't even have a scratch.
And I've never doubted him and I've never worried near him ever since. That'due south on the real.
four. THE PLAY THAT GOES Wrong
A monologue from the play by Henry Lewis, Jonathan Sayer, and Henry Shields
Human action i
Chris
Good evening, ladies . . .
He steps into it . . . . and gentlemen and welcome to the Cornley Polytechnic Society'southward spring production of The Murder at Haversham Manor.
I would like to personally welcome you to what will be my directorial debut, and my first production as head of the drama lodge.
We are particularly excited to present this play because, for
the starting time time in the society'south history, we take managed to detect a play that fits the company's numbers perfectly.
If we're honest, a lack of numbers has hampered past productions, such as last twelvemonth's Chekov play; Two Sisters.
Or last Christmas's The Lion and the Wardrobe, and of grade our summer musical, Cat.
This volition exist the first time the order has been able to stage a play of this calibration and we are thrilled.
Information technology's no secret nosotros ordinarily accept to contend with a small budget, as we had to in last twelvemonth's presentation of Roald Dahl'due south archetype, James and the Peach.
Of course, during the run of that particular show the peach went off and we were forced to present a hastily devised alternative entitled James !
Where's your Peach? Finally we've managed to stage a play as it should exist, and cast it exceptionally well.
I'thou sure no i will forget the issues we've faced with casting before, such as 2010's Christmas presentation of Snow White and the Tall, Broad Gentlemen, or indeed our previous twelvemonth's pantomime, another Disney classic: Ugly…and the Beast.
But at present, on with the main event, which I am confident will be our best prove yet! So without any farther ado, please put your hands together for Susie H.1000. Brideswell's thrilling whodunit – The Murder at Haversham Manor.
Read the play here
Related: The Play That Goes Wrong (Jonathan) | Peter Pan Goes Incorrect (Chris) | Peter Pan Goes Incorrect (Robert) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Dennis) | Peter Pan Goes Wrong (Travis)
5. THE DROWSY CHAPERONE
A monologue from the volume by Bob Martin and Don Mckellar
Man
Okay. Now here it comes. The moment I was talking virtually. Not only the culmination of the plot, simply a moment that has fascinated me more than any other and that has brought me dorsum to this tape again and again.
Here information technology comes. You run across? You can't quite brand out what she says considering someone drops a cane. I'll play it for y'all over again.
Is she saying "alive while you can", or "leave while you can,"?
I mean, it'south Beatrice Stockwell, and then information technology might merely be a cynical quip, simply this is a wedding ceremony and that's exactly what you lot think when you're continuing at the altar, isn't it, "Live" or "Leave" and you take to alive.
Because you practise love her in some way. It's not an verbal science.
An pointer doesn't come out of the sky and point to the one you're supposed to be with.
So, one 24-hour interval you lot say information technology to someone, yous say "I love you" and you lot basically phrase it equally a question, but they accept it as fact and so all of a sudden there she is continuing in front of y'all in a 3 thousand dollar clothes with tears in her eyes, and her nephew made the huppah, and then what exercise you do?
Do you say I was kidding, I was joking? No, you can't! You lot alive, correct? You choose to alive.
And for a couple of months y'all stare at the alien form lying next to you in bed and you call back to yourself "Who are you? Who are y'all?"
And one day you say information technology out loud… and then information technology's a trial separation and couples counseling and all your conversations are nearly her eating disorder and your Zoloft habit, and you're constantly redefining and re-evaluating and revisiting before you finally lose the deposit on the house and the whole "relationship" boils down to an blithe email on your birthday.
But still, in the larger sense, in a broader sense, it'due south better to have lived than left, right?
6. MOTHERF**ER WITH THE HAT
A monologue from the play byStephen Adly Guirgis
Jackie
Anyway, Veronica, I recall, was upset near the AA adult female even though for all she knows nothing happened, and then,
my conventionalities is she started f***in' the Motherf***er With The Hat and then she could prove to herself that she don't dear me,
merely, of course, we all know she do love me, but now, I institute out about information technology 'cuz the Motherf***er left his Hat on my table—
so—I got upset, I got a gun from Chuchi, and I took the hat and the gun to the Motherf***er with the Hat's apartment downstairs, and . . . that's when a incident happened.
All I did: I knocked on the door. Motherf***er with the Chapeau answered. I didn't say nothing.
I just took the Chapeau—the hat from my house, tossed it on his carpeting, stared him straight in his center, cocked the gun, and shot the f***in' Chapeau on the carpet.
Dass all I did.I shot his Hat. Dass all. And—BELIEVE ME—the motherf***er KNEW what that was about!
The trouble is, the bullet went through his lid, ricko-shayed off his floor, blew out his big screen TV, and put a hole into the guy next door'southward apartment who was habitation at the time, so, I had to, like, flee . . .
And at present I gotta render the gun to f***in' Chuchi, but he own't around, and then could you lot please hibernate the f***in' gun until, like, Chuchi could be located, please?
Read the play hither
7.THE LIEUTENANT OF INISHMORE
A monologue from the play by Martin McDonagh
Padraic
Padraic answers the phone while in the middle of torturing James, a drug dealer.
Will you hang on there a minute, James? Information technology's me dad. [into telephone] I'one thousand g indeed, Dad, 1000. How is all on Inishmore?
Good-oh. I'k at work at the moment, Dad, was it important now? . . . Oh, I've not been up to much. I put bombs in a couple of bit shops, but they didn't go off . . .
Because flake shops aren't also guarded every bit army barracks. Practice I demand your advice on planting bombs? . . .
Well the fella who makes our bombs, he's fecking useless. I recall he does drink. One matter about the IRA anyways, as much every bit I hate the bastards, you lot've got to hand information technology to them, they know how to make a decent bomb . . .
Certain, why would the IRA be selling us any of their bombs? Those bastards'd charge the earth anyways. I'll tell ya, I'grand getting pissed off with the whole thing. I've been thinking of forming a splinter grouping . . .
I know we're already a splinter group, just at that place'due south no law says yous tin can't splinter from a splinter group. A splinter group is the best kind of group to splinter from anyways. Information technology shows you know your own listen.
Read the play here
8. Ane Homo, TWO GUVNORS
A monologue from the play by Richard Bean
Act ane, Scene ii
Francis
I've got two jobs, how did that happen? You got to concentrate
ain't ya, with 2 jobs. Kaw! I tin do it, long equally I don't become
confused.
Only I get confused hands. I don't become confused that
easily. Yes I do. I'm my ain worst enemy. Stop being negative.
I'k not being negative. I'one thousand being realistic. I'll screw it up. I
always practise. Who screws it upwards?
You lot, you're the role model for village idiots everywhere. Me?! Yous're nothing without me. You're the cock up!
Don't call me a cock up, you lot cock upward! (He slaps himself.) You slapped me!? Yeah, I did. And I'thou glad I did.
(He punches himself back.) That injure. Good. You lot started it. (A
fight breaks out, where he ends up on the floor.)
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9. Looking Again
A monologue from the play by Charles Evered
BILL
She wears a blouse like that because she wants to be able to see the extent to which you lot are able to go along yourself from lookin' at 'em.
The indicate remains that the more you look at 'em, the less probable information technology'll exist that you'll bask 'em anytime. Exist the cowboy, Steve. The cowboy doesn't look at 'em.
The cowboy doesn't have to. Y'all're supposed to be the cowboy. Used to exist we'd cut down a tree and split it, throw some logs on the campfire and stir upwardly some chow.
Now what are we? We are exactly what the eunuchs who run tv shows depicted u.s. into being. Marginalized metro-sexual tubs of butter incapable of threatening our own shadows.
Nosotros are confused, confounded, passive and compromised piffling toady boys. What are we? Are we men? Do men even really need to exist anymore?
If they don't need our penises anymore to have a baby, if you don't even need to differentiate one gender from the other anymore, so why have two separate genders at all?
Why don't we all just be ane gender? Why don't we all only be a agglomeration of "Sam'southward" or "Terri's"—lets all cut our hair downwards just to the middle of our necks.
Lets all wear pants or "chinos" or any the hell so called men wear now.
Why have pants at all, when you think of information technology, lets just have "leg coverings" so equally not to offend those who don't experience comfortable wearing pants, and better yet, lets not article of clothing apparel at all, equally wearing them is in its own fashion discriminatory toward those who prefer not to so publicly declare their ain gender.
You want to be alive again brother? You want to break the chains? Don't look at 'em.
10. Noises Off
A monologue from the play by Michael Frayn
Lloyd
Let me tell y'all something almost my life. I accept the Duke of Buckingham on the phone to me for an 60 minutes afterwards rehearsal every evening complaining that the Knuckles of Gloucester is sucking boiled sweets through his speeches.
The Duke of Clarence is off for the unabridged calendar week doing a commercial for Madeira. Richard himself — would you believe? Richard 3? Has at present gone downwards with a dorsum trouble.
I continue getting letters from Brooke nigh how unhappy she is here, and now she'due south got herself a doctor's certificate for nervous exhaustion — she'south going to walk!
I accept no time to notice or rehearse another Vicki.
I have just one afternoon, while Richard is fitted for a surgical corset, to cure Brooke of nervous exhaustion, with no medical aids except a little whisky — you've got the whisky? — a few flowers — you've got the money for the flowers? — and a sure faded charm.
So I haven't come to the theatre to hear about other people'south problems. I've come to be taken out of myself, and preferably not put back again.
Read the play here
If you are looking for more contemporary comedy monologues bank check out our annal folio.
10 Best Classical One-act Monologues For Men From Plays
ane. SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER
A monologue from the play past Oliver Goldsmith
Human activity 3, Scene 1
Hardcastle
What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his son every bit the modestest swain in town?
To me he appears the near impudent slice of contumely that always spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the like shooting fish in a barrel chair by the fire-side already.
He took off his boots in the parlour, and desired me to see them taken care of. I'm desirous to know how his impudence affects my girl. She will certainly be shocked at it. […]
I was never and so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my faculties! Ay, he learned information technology all away—what a fool was I, to think a young man could learn modesty by travelling.
He might as soon acquire wit at a masquerade. A proficient bargain assisted by bad visitor and a French dancing-main. Whose await? whose style, child?
Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the virtually brazen first sights that always astonished my senses. And can yous be serious?
I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering puppy since I was built-in. Slap-up Dawson was merely a fool to him. He met me with a loud vocalism, a lordly air, and a familiarity that made my blood freeze again.
He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life earlier; asked twenty questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with some silly pun;and when I was in my best story of the Knuckles of Marlborough and Prince Eugene, he asked if I had non a skilful hand at making punch.
Yep, Kate, he asked your father if he was a maker of punch!
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two. THE WASPS
Philocleon
At the outset I will prove to you that there exists no king whose might is greater than ours. Is in that location a pleasure, a approving comparable with that of a juryman?
Is there a being who lives more in the midst of delights, who is more feared, anile though he be? From the moment I leave my bed, men of power, the most illustrious in the city,
look me at the bar of the tribunal; the moment I am seen from the greatest distance, they come frontwards to offer me a gentle handy-that has pilfered the public funds;
they entreat me, bowing right low and with a piteous voice, "Oh, father," they say, "compassion me, I adjure you by the profit yous were able to make in the public service or in the army, when dealing with the victuals."
Why, the man who speaks thus would not know of my beingness, had I non let him off on some sometime occasion.
These entreaties have appeased my wrath, and I enter-firmly resolved to do zero that I have promised. Nevertheless I listen to the accused.
Oh! what tricks to secure acquittal! Ah! there is no grade of flattery that is not addressed to the Heliast! Some groan over their poverty and exaggerate it.
Others tell united states of america anecdotes or some comic story from Aesop. Others, again, cutting jokes; they fancy I shall exist appeased if I won If we are non fifty-fifty and so won over,
why, then they drag forward their young children by the hand, both boys and girls, who prostrate themselves and whine with one accord, and so the father,
trembling as if before a god, beseeches me not to condemn him out of compassion for them,
"If you love the voice of the lamb, take compassion on my sons"; and because I am addicted of trivial sows, I must yield to his girl's prayers.
Then we relax the heat of our wrath a little for him. Is not this great power indeed, which allows even wealth to exist disdained?
Nosotros are entrusted with the inspection of the young men, and thus we have a right to examine their tools. If Oeagrus is defendant, he is not acquitted earlier he has recited a passage from 'Niobe' and he chooses the finest.
If a flute-player gains his case, he adjusts his mouth-strap in render and plays u.s. the final air while we are leaving.
A father on his expiry-bed names some husband for his daughter, who is his sole heir; only we care niggling for his will or for the beat out then solemnly placed over the seal; we give the young maiden to him who has best known how to secure our wavour.
Proper name me another duty that is and so important so irresponsible.
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3. THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL
A monologue from the play by Richard Brinsley Sheridan
Human action 1, Scene ii
Sir Peter
When an onetime Bachelor takes a young Wife—what is He to expect—'Tis at present six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of men—and I have been the most miserable Dog always since that ever committed marriage.
We tift a little going to church building—and came to a Quarrel before the Bells had done ringing—I was more than once most chok'd with gall during the Honeymoon
—and had lost all comfort in Life earlier my Friends had done wishing me Joy—still I chose with caution—a daughter bred wholly in the land
— who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown—nor dissipation higher up the annual Gala of a Race-Ball
—Yet she now plays her Part in all the extravagant Fopperies of the Fashion and the Town, with as ready a Grace every bit if she had never seen a Bush nor a grass Plot out of Grosvenor-Square!
I am sneered at by my sometime acquaintance—paragraphed—in the news Papers—She dissipates my Fortune, and contradicts all my Humours
—even so the worst of it is I doubt I love her or I should never bear all this. Nonetheless I'll never be weak enough to ain it.
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4. THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING Hostage
A monologue from the play byOscar Wilde
Human activity 1, Scene i
Algernon
I haven't the smallest intention of doing anything of the kind. To begin with, I dined there on Monday, and once a week is quite enough to dine with one'south own relations.
In the second identify, whenever I exercise dine in that location, I am ever treated as a fellow member of the family, and sent downwards with either no woman at all, or two.
In the tertiary place, I know perfectly well who she will place me next to, to – night. She volition place me side by side to Mary Farquhar, who ever flirts with her husband across the dinner – tabular array.
That is not very pleasant. Indeed, it is not fifty-fifty decent… and that sort of thing is enormously on the increment. The corporeality of women in London who flirt with their husbands is perfectly scandalous.
Information technology looks and so bad. Information technology is only washing one's linen in public. Besides, now that I know you to be a confirmed Bunburyist I naturally want to talk to you lot about Bunburying. I want to tell you the rules.
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v. MONSIEUR DE POURCEAUGNAC
A monologue fromthe play by Moliere
SBRIGANI
Let me consider a little if I tin in censor do it.
(Goes away a modest distance from MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC.)
He is a man who looks after his ain interests, who tries to provide for his daughter as advantageously every bit possible; and 1 should injure nobody.
Information technology is true that these things are no hush-hush; merely I shall be telling them to a man who knows nil about it, and information technology is forbidden to talk scandal of one's neighbor.
All this is true. On the other hand, still, hither is a stranger they want to impose upon, who comes in all good faith to marry a girl he knows aught almost, and whom be has never seen.
A gentleman all openheartedness, for whom I feel some inclination, who does me the honour of reckoning me his friend, puts his conviction in me, and gives me a ring to go on for his sake.
(To MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC)
Yep, I think that I can tell y'all how things are without wounding my conscience. Merely I must attempt to tell it all to you in the mildest mode possible, and to spare people as much as I tin can.
If I were to tell you lot that this girl leads a bad life, it would be going as well far. I must find some milder term to explain myself.
The word coquette does non come upward to the mark; that of downright flirt seems to me to answer the purpose pretty well, and I tin make utilise of it to tell yous honestly what she is.
6. Half-dozen WHO PASS WHILE THE LENTILS BOIL
MIME
I'1000 on my way to the decapitation. I want to pick upwards a few coins. I'll perform after the Queen has lost her caput. I have to do my all-time because it's hard to be more interesting than a decapitation.
After information technology's all over the oversupply will begin to talk and to move about, and I'll have to rush up to the forepart of them and cry out at the top of my lungs, "Stop–Ho, for Jack the Juggler! Would y'all miss him?
In London where the male monarch of kings lives, all the knights and ladies of the Court would get out a crowning to watch Jack the Juggler toss iii gold balls with ane manus or balance a weathervane upon his nose."
Then a silence will come upon the oversupply and they will all plow to me. Someone will say, "Where is this Jack the Juggler?" And I shall answer, "Jack the Jugler, the greatest of the great, the pet of kings, entertainer of the Pope and the joy of Cathay stands earlier yous."
And I'll throw back my cloak and stand up revealed. "So!" someone volition shout, "Let us have it, Jack." And I'll draw my iii golden balls from my pouch–like this–so begin.
[Pause.] I'd show y'all, merely I must exist off. If I'k as interesting equally the beheading, I'll get mayhap fifteen farthings. Who knows? Well … bye!
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7. THE INNOCENT MISTRESS
A monologue from the play by Mary Pix
Sir Francis
Equally for the damosels, three sorts make a bushel, and volition be uppermost. First, in that location's your common jilts volition oblige every trunk. (…) You may call 'em what you please, only they are very plentiful, I promise y'all.
The next is your kept mistress, she's a caste modester, if non kind to each, appears in her dress similar quality, whilst her ogling eyes, and too frequent debauches discovers her the younger sister only to the first. (. . .)
The 3rd is not a wh*re, but a brisk, airy, noisy coquette, that lives upon treating. One spark has her to the play, another to the park, a third to Windsor, a fourth to some other identify of diversion.
She has not the center to grant 'em all favours, for that'due south their blueprint at the bottom of the treats, and they have
non the center to marry her, for that's her blueprint, too, poor animate being.
So maybe a year, or it may be two, the gaudy butterfly flutters circular the kingdom, so if a foolish cit does non take compassion, sneaks into a corner, dies an one-time maid, despised and forgotten.
The men that fit those ladies are your rake, your cully, and your fellow. (…) Gad, honest, honourable Ned, I must own I have a fling at all.
Sometimes I think it worth my while to make a keeper jealous; frequently treat the coquette, till either she grows upon me, or I grow weary of her.
Then 'tis merely maxim a rude matter, she quarrels, I wing to the next bottle, and at that place forever drown her
remembrance.
8. THE Regime INSPECTOR
A monologue from the play byNikolai Gogol
Note: This monologue is reprinted from Revizor, A One-act. Trans. Max S. Mandell. New Haven: Tuttle, Morehouse & Taylor Co., 1908.
Osip
Listen. Shhh! Listen. Tin you hear it? Hear it now? That'south my stomach. Deplorable, tin can't practise much about it. Information technology'southward a terrible affair, hunger. Haven't had a chaff in 2 days.
God only knows how we're going to become to his sometime human being's estate in Saratov. Nosotros don't have a kopeck to our name. I mean, his dad'll be good for a loan all right, but how exercise we get in that location without money? I'grand encarmine fed up, I can tell you.
Well, you should have seen it. Tragic. He meets an infantry helm on the style hither, suggests a game of cards, and loses a pile.
Fifty-fifty then we'd accept had enough to become by on, but my chief has to play the large shot, doesn't he? 'I say, exercise you have a quality room available? Something superior. And I'd similar a decent supper.
Admittedly the best you lot can provide, my good man.' What bollocks, eh?I mean, it's not as if he'southward anyone important. A Collegiate Registrar. Right at the bottom of the heap.
The lowest rung on the ladder. Xiv ranks available and what's he? Yeah, you got it. Number 14. Any lower and you wouldn't be in regime service, you'd be a worm.
Ah, I miss Leningrad. I similar it at that place. Oh aye, I know, the provinces aren't all bad. There'southward less to worry about.
Become yourself a wife, and a human can spend his entire life lying by the stove eating hot pies. But nevertheless, there'south no getting away from it, you lot can't vanquish Petersburg.
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9. THE PHILANDERER
A monologue from the play byGeorge Bernard Shaw
Paramore
(Despairingly.) The worst of news! Terrible news! Fatal news! My disease— (…) (Fiercely) [I hateful my affliction:] Paramore's disease: the affliction I discovered: the work of my life!
Expect here! (He points to the journal with a ghastly expression of horror.) If this is true, it was all a mistake: in that location is no such affliction. (…)
(Hoarsely.) Information technology's natural for y'all to call back only of yourself. I don't blame you: all invalids are selfish. Simply a scientific man tin feel what I feel at present.
(Writhing under a sense of intolerable injustice.) Information technology'south the fault of the wickedly sentimental laws of this country. I was not able to make experiments enough: but three dogs and a monkey.
Call back of that, with all Europe total of my professional person rivals! men burning to prove me incorrect! There is freedom in France: aware republican France!
One Frenchman experiments on two hundred monkeys to disprove my theory. Another sacrifices £36—3 hundred dogs at three francs apiece—to upset the monkey experiments.
A third proves them both wrong by a single experiment in which he gets the temperature of a camel'south liver sixty degrees beneath zero.
And now comes this cursed Italian who has ruined me. He has a government grant to buy animals with, besides having the run of the largest hospital in Italy.
(With desperate resolution.) Just I won't exist browbeaten past whatever Italian. I'll go to Italy myself. I'll rediscover my affliction: I know it exists; I feel it; and I'll prove information technology if I have to experiment on every mortal animal thats got a liver at all.
(He folds his arms and breathes hard at them.)
Read the play here
10. TWO ROSES
A monologue from the play by James Albery
Wyatt
I experience grateful when I see a nobly dressed swell. In that location's a fine thoughtfulness of others nigh him; such fellows as you and I spend our money on books and beer, and pamper our wits and our wallets for our own special enjoyment.
But a swell he gets himself up for others, and he makes himself fine for me to look at. He pays himself for buttons and rings and chains for me to admire.
He charges me nothing to see him; I don't have to get a ticket, but he comes out and I take a front end place free.
He don't even desire me to applaud, merely goes on perseveringly in spite of the debts and pains, making himself beautiful to see, and perhaps while I'm enjoying his patent boots, he's suffering from corns.
Oh, he's a noble brute is a swell.
Check out the link beneath to observe over 40 classical monologues.
20 Best Funny Male person Monologues From Movies
1. Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery
A monologue from the screenplay written by Mike Myers
Dr. Evil
The details of my life are quite inconsequential. Very well, where do I begin? My male parent was a relentlessly cocky-improving boulangerie owner from Kingdom of belgium with depression grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery.
My mother was a fifteen yr old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed anxiety. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark.
Some times he would accuse chestnuts of existence lazy, the sort of full general angst that simply the genius possess and the insane lament.
My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring nosotros'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap handbag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard actually.
At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is zip similar a shorn scr*tum, it's scenic, I propose you try it.
2. Fools Rush In
A monologue from the screenplay by Johnny Mercer
ALEX
This afternoon, I couldn't determine between a tamale and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I desire, and my life doesn't make whatsoever sense.
And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me and then. Simply I don't know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt's tamales… and they were really great.
I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner's or something and I was only too busy to detect. But now I'grand here and I run across that that'due south non truthful because.. it's y'all. Isabel, you're the ane!
You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I'thousand non even sure what that means exactly, but I call back it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think nosotros should become married. Right now!
iii. Reservoir Dogs
A monologue from the screenplay written past Quentin Tarantino
Mr. Dark-brown
Let me tell you what "Like a Virgin'" is about. It'south all nigh a girl who digs a guy with a big d*ck. The entire song, information technology'due south a metaphor for big d*cks. Like a Virgin's not about some sensitive girl who meets a dainty fella.
That's what True Blue'due south well-nigh. Now, granted, no argument about that…Let me tell yous what Like a Virgin's about. Information technology'southward all about this cooze who's a regular f*** machine.
I'm talkin' morning, mean solar day, nighttime, afternoon, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck, d*ck… Then one twenty-four hours, she meets this John Holmes motherf***er, and it's similar, whoa baby. I mean, this cat is like Charles Bronson in "The Peachy Escape".
He's digging tunnels. She's getting this serious d*ck action and she'south feelin' something she ain't felt since forever. Pain. Hurting. It hurts. It hurts her. Information technology shouldn't hurt her. You know, her pu**y should be Bubble Yum by at present, but when this cat f***southward her, it hurts.
Information technology hurts merely like it did the offset time. You meet, the pain is reminding a f*** machine what it was once like to be a virgin. Hence … Like a Virgin.
4. The Producers
A monologue from the Broadway musical written by Mel Brooks
Max
I'm drowning! I'grand drowning here! I'yard going down for the last time! I…I see my whole life flashing before my optics! I see a weathered old farm business firm. And I white picket argue…
I'one thousand running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Male monarch — Rex, finish it! — I see my female parent, standing in the back porch in a worn merely clean gingham gown. And she's calling out to me…
"Alvin! Don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alvin! Alvin! Al–" Wait a minute, my name's not Alvin. That's not my life! I'one thousand not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx! Leo'due south taken everything, fifty-fifty my past!
Read the screenplay here
v. Footstep Brothers
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20 Best Comedic Shakespeare Monologues For Men From Plays
1. A Midsummer Night'south Dream
https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0,
via Wikimedia Commons
Deed iii, Scene 2
PUCK
My mistress with a monster is in honey.
Near to her shut and consecrated bower,
While she was in her dull and sleeping hr,
A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,
That work for bread upon Athenian stalls,
Were met together to rehearse a play,
Intended for great Theseus' nuptial 24-hour interval.
The shallowest thickskin of that arid sort,
Who Pyramus presented in their sport,
Forsook his scene and entered in a brake.
When I did him at this reward have,
An a**'s nole I fixèd on his caput.
Betimes his Thisby must be answerèd,
And forth my mimic comes. When they him spy,
As wild geese that the creeping fowler eye,
Or russet-pated choughs, many in sort,
Rising and cawing at the gun'south written report,
Sever themselves and madly sweep the heaven;
So at his sight away his fellows wing,
And at our stamp here o'er and o'er ane falls;
He murder cries and help from Athens calls.
Their sense thus weak, lost with their fears thus strong,
Made senseless things begin to do them wrong,
For briers and thorns at their clothes snatch:
Some, sleeves — some, hats; from yielders all things catch.
I led them on in this distracted fear
And left sweet Pyramus translated there,
When in that moment (and then it came to pass)
Titania waked, and straightway loved an a**.
Read the play hither
2. Two Gentlemen Of Verona
Act 2, Scene iii
LAUNCE
Nay, 'twill be this hr ere I accept washed weeping. All the kind of the Launces accept this very fault. I have received my proportion, like the prodigious son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial'south court.
I recollect Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured dog that lives. My mother weeping, my father wailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our true cat wringing her hands, and all our house in a great perplexity, all the same did not this cruel-hearted cur shed one tear.
He is a stone, a very pebble stone, and has no more pity in him than a dog. A Jew would accept wept to have seen our departing. Why, my grandam, having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my parting.
Nay, I'll show you the fashion of it. This shoe is my father. No, this left shoe is my male parent. No, no, this left shoe is my mother. Nay, that cannot be so neither.
Yes, it is and then, it is so — it hath the worser sole. This shoe with the hole in it is my mother, and this my begetter. A vengeance on't! There 'tis.
Now, sir, this staff is my sister, for, await you, she is as white equally a lily and equally small as a wand. This lid is Nan, our maid. I am the dog. No, the dog is himself, and I am the dog — O, the canis familiaris is me, and I am myself.
Ay, so, so. Now come I to my male parent: 'Father, your blessing.' At present should not the shoe speak a give-and-take for weeping. Now should I buss my father — well, he weeps on.
At present come I to my mother. O, that she could speak now like a wood woman! Well, I kiss her — why, there 'tis: here'due south my mother's breath up and down. Now come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now the dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a give-and-take!
Read the play here
3. Comedy Of Errors
Act 2, Scene 1
Dromio of Ephesus
I mean not cuckold-mad;
Merely, certain, he is stark mad.
When I desired him to come home to dinner,
He ask'd me for a thousand marks in gold:
"Tis dinner-time,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he;
'Your meat doth burn,' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he:
'Volition you come dwelling house?' quoth I; 'My gold!' quoth he.
'Where is the m marks I gave thee, villain?'
'The pig,' quoth I, 'is burn'd;' 'My gold!' quoth he:
'My mistress, sir' quoth I; 'Hang upwardly thy mistress!
I know non thy mistress; out on thy mistress!'
Quoth my master:
'I know,' quoth he, 'no house, no wife, no mistress.'
So that my errand, due unto my tongue,
I give thanks him, I bare abode upon my shoulders;
For, in determination, he did beat me there.
Read the play here
iv. Love's Labour's Lost
Act 3, Scene 1
Berowne
"And I, forsooth, in dear!
I, that have been dear'southward whip,
A very beadle to a humorous sigh,
A critic, nay, a night-watch constable,
A domineering pedant o'er the boy,
Than whom no mortal so magnificent.
This wimpled, whining, purblind, wayward male child,
This signor-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid,
Regent of dearest-rimes, lord of folded arms,
The all-powerful sovereign of sighs and groans,
Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,
Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces,
Sole imperator and corking general
Of trotting paritors — O my little eye!
And I to exist a corporal of his field,
And wearable his colors similar a tumbler's hoop!
What? I dearest, I sue, I seek a wife!
A woman that is similar a German clock,
Withal a-repairing, ever out of frame,
And never going aright, existence a lookout,
But beingness watched that it may even so get correct!
Nay, to exist perjured, which is worst of all;
And, among iii, to love the worst of all;
A whitely wanton with a velvet forehead,
With ii pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes.
Ay, and, by heaven, one that will do the deed,
Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard.
And I to sigh for her, to watch for her,
To pray for her! Go to, it is a plague
That Cupid will impose for my neglect
Of his almighty dreadful little might.
Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue, groan:
Some men must love my lady, and some Joan."
Read the play here
5. A Midsummer Dark'southward Dream
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Conclusion
We promise you enjoyed the various and hilarious comedy monologues in this article. Let usa know in the comments which monologues yous liked the nigh.
If you know other funny male monologues we should include in this list, we would be happy to incorporate them.
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Source: https://mightyactor.com/20-comedy-monologues-for-men/
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